Dr. Belliveau's Dream Job - Chapter 13

Benny questions the twenty grand bullshit "spirit guide" life coaching game.

Stacey didn’t go home that night. Instead, she worked alongside Benny, her former boss, the once semi-responsible physician, to create a series of spirit-guide lessons for their new client.

Here, Benny said, holding a blanket aloft. Stretch out on the couch.

Stacey lifted her legs and swung them out, positioning herself into a semi-prone position while Benny released the soft blue cotton blanket.

It briefly occurred to Stacey that she was quickly becoming too comfortable in Benny’s company, but she brushed the thought aside. There was twenty grand at stake. If they could pull this off, they could do anything.

She looked over at Benny, who had gathered all the Berenstain Books he could find within his apartment. He held one on his lap, ready to read it to Stacey as if she were a child reluctant to sleep.

Did you know that the twenty grand we get from this client will pay my rent for almost a year?

Benny smiled and nodded. He didn’t have the heart to tell her how much income he’d lost when he gave up his medical license.

He began to read. Stacey took notes.

So the kids break a lamp, blame it on a bird, but later confess to what they did? She asked.

That’s it exactly, Benny said.

Okay, Stacey said. She tapped her pen against her front teeth. So we tell Wallace that the bear spirit guide wants him to be honest about something?

Without missing a beat, Benny said, Or we tell Wallace that the bear spirit guide is calling on him to release pent-up guilt. That this is his opportunity to unburden his soul with truth.

Stacey swung her legs back to the floor and sat up. What truth? She asked.

Benny shrugged. Wallace is the client. It’s up to him to figure that out. We’re just providing the guidance.

From his bear spirit guide, Stacey said, grinning. You’re pretty good at this!

Again, Benny shrugged.

People willing to pay twenty grand for spirit guide coaching already know what they want to say. They just need an excuse to say it.

Stacey, relieved to have a plan but still uneasy about the method of deception, stood up. I have to go. I’m exhausted. She slipped her feet into her burgundy Blundstones and zipped her jacket.

You can sleep on the couch, Benny offered. It’s late.

Stacey shook her head. No, she said. But call the client in the morning and ask him to meet us here.

Benny’s eyes grew wide. Here? he asked.

Yes, here. Why not here?

Benny’s eyes drifted to his stapler collection along the wall.

Jesus, Stacey groaned. He’s not going to steal your staplers.

The next day, 3 p.m.

Benny and Stacey sat together on the couch waiting for the doorbell to ring. Stacey had spent practically the whole night coming up with their first life coaching lesson. She took directly from the book “The Berenstain Bears and the Golden Rule”.

Do To Others What You What Have Them Do To You

Wallace arrived in white shorty-shorts, a light-blue golf shirt, and a tennis racket. His hair was greased with his own sweat, and Stacey, who wasn’t exactly a poker face, made a face.

Thankfully, Wallace didn’t notice. Instead, he pushed his way inside, his eyes roaming the walls, finally settling on Benny, who sat nervously on his couch.

Weird office, Wallace said.

Have a seat! said Stacey. She pointed to the new chair they had bought for clients, a wing-backed, black leather chair with a deep quilted pattern that would have been better suited for a Knights of Columbus hall.

For most, the chair would have been too big. But for Wallace, it was the perfect fit.

I want to jump right in, Stacey started. First, let me introduce you to my assistant, Benny.

The two men shook hands.

Executive Assistant, Benny corrected.

Yes, Stacey said, stifling the biggest eye-roll of her life. He’s here to take notes, she explained to Wallace. Wallace nodded.

So, I’ve been spending my time summoning the wisdom of the bear since our last visit, and the messages I’m getting from him point to problems you might be having with treating people fairly.

Wallace sat perfectly still, his face expressionless. Stacey and Wallace held their collective breaths. Was he buying it so far? They wondered.

Then Wallace nodded vigorously.

The bear knows his stuff, he said.

Would you like to share your thoughts on things you think you might do better in that regard? Stacey hated the word “regard”, but here she was.

Wallace contemplated the question. He lowered his head into his palms, allowing enough time for Stacey and Benny to exchange a look. Stacey motioned for Benny to start writing something down.

Suddenly, Wallace snapped his head upright. I do my best to motivate my team at work, he said. I force them to pose for Thursday afternoon “selfies”. If they don’t greet me with a robust GOOD MORNING every day, I give them a stern look. It’s all in good fun, of course. I also like to challenge them by giving them near-impossible tasks. I think it’s good to challenge their minds, see what they can come up with their feet to the fire.

At this point, Stacey was starting to wonder if she had charged enough. Okay, Stacey said carefully. If you could summon your bear spirit guide, what do you think he’d say about all that?

Again, Wallace considered the question. Isn’t this what I’m paying you for? He asked.

Yes! Stacey replied. Of course it is. But the bear needs to know your thoughts in order to be of service.

Okay, Wallace replied. Well, he might want to know why I send emails to my staff at 11 pm at night.

Okay, Stacey replied. Do you remember why you signed up for this service in the first place? She asked.

Yeah, because I get the feeling people don’t like me at work and I don’t understand it.

Stacey nodded her head, as if the reason why his employees didn’t like him was such a big surprise.

So where IS this bear anyway? Wallace asked.

He’s a spirit. You can’t see spirits.

Well, shouldn’t I feel something? I don’t have goosebumps or anything.

The bear spirit speaks through me, Stacey improvised.

Wallace leaned forward, forearms on his quadriceps. For twenty thousand dollars I should get goosebumps.

SHIT, Stacey thought to herself. One minute she thought he was buying the BS, and the next she figured he was onto the scam.

The bear calls it “The Golden Rule”, so maybe you need something gold to attract the spirit to you. That way, when you’re at work, you’ll be reminded to think about treating others the same way you would want to be treated.

Wallace shook his head. I AM treating my employees the way I’d want to be treated. I’m a GREAT boss! They pretend to like me, but I know they don’t.

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Well, Stacey replied. Does anyone REALLY like their boss? She caught side-eye from Benny.

Wallace nodded. I suppose, but that’s what I’m here for. I need a spirit guide to counsel me.

Stacey realized this would go on forever unless she changed course. Suddenly, she jumped to her feet, prompting Benny to do the same. He looked at her quizzically.

The BEAR HAS SPOKEN, she cried. And he wants to share the GOLDEN LOCKET with you. To Benny’s surprise, Stacey began rummaging through his things. She walked to the stapler wall, scanning for something gold.

This! She cried, her hand grasping the handle of a gold-plated 1937 Swingline stapler.

NO! Benny shouted. He lunged for the stapler, but Stacey quickly pressed it into Wallace’s hands.

Wallace looked down. It’s a stapler.

Not just any stapler, Stacey replied. It’s the Golden Rule Stapler for Men Who Hold Power in Management Positions.

I was expecting something else, Wallace said.

Stacey shook her head. This IS the perfect talisman for you. It’s no coincidence that we’re having our first session here, in this apartment. The Bear knew. He knew the golden stapler would be here. That, she said, is perfect. You can keep it on your desk without anyone asking questions. Imagine if you had a giant goblet on your desk! she laughed.

Wallace didn’t laugh, but he did acknowledge that a golden stapler talisman would fit into the office aesthetic without drawing unwanted questions.

But Benny wasn’t having it. He reached over and tried to take the stapler from Wallace. This is not a spirit bear! It’s my stapler!

Annoyed, Stacey pinched Benny’s arm skin and threw him a look. Get a hold of yourself! she said firmly. Spirit bear is GENEROUS.

Benny shook his head. No No No No No.

Stacey leaned over and hissed into his ear. Is this stapler worth twenty grand to you?

Benny stuffed his hands into his pockets and lowered his head to hide his trembling lips. They’re MY staplers, he thought to himself.

I think this will help! Wallace said, cradling the stapler in his palms like a newborn about to be baptized. If it does, you’ll have full payment for these sessions by next week!

Benny and Stacey exchanged a glance, then scheduled Wallace for his next session.

What are we doing? Benny complained after Wallace had driven away. This isn’t right. He wanted his stapler back. He also had a nagging feeling that what they were doing was mildly illegal.

We’re helping people! Stacey said. Don’t you want to be a part of that?

I WAS part of that, he replied. I was a physician.

But you were miserable! Stacey reminded him. You wanted something different.

Benny couldn’t argue, but this wasn’t the kind of DIFFERENT he had in mind.

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