Dr. Belliveau's Dream Job - Chapter 11 [Fiction - Humour]
Unbeknownst to Benny, he now gets to be a secretary and a bear.
Stacey had her business up and running within two weeks. To get the most clients possible, she decided on a broad definition of the term Life Coach.
Life not taking you where you hoped? Need a new vision for the future? I’m here to help. No, I don’t drink enough water, and yes, sometimes I forget to brush my teeth, but you want to know something? I can help redirect and shift your life in new directions.
I specialize in the following:
Life Optimization
Positivity Therapy for the Clinically Depressed
Confidence Coach - From Pathetic Pathology to Over-reaching Confidence
Clicks, Likes, and Comments Coaching
Fake IT till you MAKE IT Coach
Soul Organization
Talk Therapy (You Talk; I’ll Listen)
I can be your Spirit Guide
I can talk to dead pets (except guppies)
Or sign up for my exclusive FILL-IN-THE-BLANK Life Coaching Package, where you tell me what you need and I help you achieve it.
Awaiting Your Call Because I’m Practically Psychic.
Stacey’s Life Coaching LTD
Her first client was a man named Wallace Grindley. He was loud and arrogant and walked across the floor of the mall with the confidence of a hunter swooping for his prey.
Stacey watched and waved him over, recognizing him from his TikTok profile picture, because TikTok profile pictures were always so accurate.
He had signed up for the Spirit Guide package. Stacey had read somewhere that pricing services too low was a mistake in business. Believe in your abilities and charge accordingly.
So she charged $20,000 for six “comprehensive” sessions. It didn’t matter which session the person wanted. They were all priced the same.
Dr. Belliveau (now known as “Benny”) wasn’t so confident and suggested she start with a modest price point. At least give people the option of choosing cheaper packages, he’d insisted.
Her answer, of course, was no. We’ll get a certain clientele, she reasoned—people with money.
So now here she was, every worry in the world, winging it for all she had. She stood abruptly, clanging and scratching the thin metal chair across the tiled floor.
The hum of noise, mostly teenagers on lunch break, was deafening. She regretted choosing the food court to meet this man about spirit guides, but here she was.
Make the best of it, she thought.
Wallace extended his meaty hand. Stacey, he said. Nothing else. He was very sure of himself.
Stacey nodded and motioned for him to have a seat. He was way too enormous for the small chair. Their knees touched, but no matter how Stacey tried to fidget her way around them, she could not get away from his bulky kneecaps.
Don’t you have an office? He said loudly. Stacey tried to mentally stop the blush creeping up her face.
I like to meet my clients in public first, she said, and then immediately regretted it. He sees right through me, she thought. I’m a fraud.
Truth be told, she WAS a fraud, but she was in it now. He had paid her a hefty deposit, the remainder to be paid before the last session. Next time I’ll pick a quiet, fancy restaurant, she thought.
Wallace was staring at her, an unblinking, dead-behind-the-eyes look that made her squirm. She remembered the binder she had put together and pulled it out of her canvas bag.
I thought we’d go over the contract one more time before we get started, she explained. The contract was 15 pages long and consisted of words like THERETO, HEREWITH, and ASUNDER. All words she thought sounded legal.
Benny, her secretary, had dutifully typed it up, using high-grade steel staples to keep it together.
Wallace nodded as Stacey read through the main parts of the contract, which were mostly the parts where he agreed to “pay for services rendered,” whether he got anything out of it or not.
Perfect, she said, putting the now-sticky-from-something-on-the-table contract back into the binder. She sat back and clasped her hands, using her pointer fingers to form a steeple of sorts. It was supposed to be a power move, but she realized that if she relaxed her wrists by about 45 degrees, it would look like she was shooting him.
Tell me what you expect to get from these sessions, she started. You’ve signed up for the Spirit Guide coaching. So, what does that mean for you?
Ask the client what they want and then deliver. That’s all she had to do. She waited for his answer. Meanwhile, people from all walks of life were seemingly pulled into the food court from one end and deposited out the other.
Something’s missing from my life, Wallace started. Nobody likes me. People at work ignore me. And I’M the boss! They don’t even try to hide it. They tell me they’re going to do something and then walk away. Nothing I ask for ever gets done. I have to get middle management to do the work.
Stacey put her best “I’m very interested in what you have to say” look, and nodded.
That sounds pretty rough, she said. And how do you think a spirit guide fits into this picture?
Wallace pulled his knees apart, adopting a wide V-stance that, without the table, would have brought her attention to his crotch. Without their knees in constant contact, Stacey felt lighter, more confident.
Well, I can’t ask anyone at work for help. You can’t just ask people to respect you, he said. I’ve heard a lot about spirit guides and how they’re supposed to help you with anything you ask for.
Stacey nodded, still unsure of where this was going.
You’re ad said, “I Can Be Your Spirit Guide”, and that sounded reasonable. I want you to be MY spirit guide.”
Stacey frowned. It was unintentional, but he noticed. The idea behind these sessions is to teach you how to get in touch with your own spirit guides, she replied. Not to BE your spirit guide.
Wallace placed his hands flat on the table and pushed himself to a standing position. That’s not what the ad says.
Stacey wracked her brain, trying to remember the exact wording of the ad.
Yes! Okay! You’re right. I can be your spirit guide! she said before he walked away. She needed the money and would do practically anything to make sure everything went well.
Wallace relaxed and sat back down.
Perfect, he said. How does this work?
Stacey thought before opening her mouth. The ball was in her court now. She held the cards. Whatever she said next would set the foundation for the sessions.
You are an intelligent, fiercely independent man, she started. People don’t take you seriously, and they’re missing out on everything you have to offer.
Praise. Praise. Praise. Praise will get you anything you want.
That’s it exactly! he said, beaming.
Stacey nodded solemnly. She couldn’t believe the praise trick was working, but now she needed to seem intensely spiritual. She inhaled deeply, ignoring the smell of sour ketchup and questionable meat products from the next table. She tipped her head back and gazed at the ceiling.
Wallace did the same.
Your spirit animal isn’t me, she said woefully. What I’m sensing is bigger than me. Something more worthy of what you need.
His eyes grew wide. He nodded eagerly.
Thank fucking God, she thought, relieved. He’s buying it.
Your spirit animal is a bear, huge and fearless, capable of living a full life in the wild, away from the trappings of consumerism.
Stacey knew her words didn’t make any sense. It was the tone he was leaning on. Evangelical. Superior. Confident. Full of shit.
A bear! Wallace nodded as if he’d thought the same thing all along.
A bear, Stacey confirmed. A bear.
She fell silent, allowing the fullness of the moment to descend on her new (and first) client.
Great, Wallace said. How do I meet the bear? What happens now?
Stacey grinned. She knew exactly how to proceed. All she had to do was convince Benny to be the bear.
Enjoying this silly book?
I’m having fun writing it, and I hope you’re getting a few laughs. I have early-onset dementia, and I’m trying to write this book as fast as I can. No editing involved. I’m sure that’s painfully clear by now. All I’m saying is I’m having fun with this, and isn’t that what Substack is all about?
I hope you’ll consider subscribing for free. No paywall for this book. I might consider a paywall for other books I write (if I get the chance), but this one is free.
Why not share the book too?
It’s easy.
Step 1: Click the Share Button Below
Step 2: Feel good about yourself.